Sometimes you just have to take a chance and do things that are outside your normal standards of behavior; you have to go beyond your comfort level and just...go for it.
That doesn't mean, however, that you will get the results you think you are after. In fact, you might just get a cold dose of reality. But...every once in a while, you get something even more than you could possibly have imagined. And, rarer still, you get a gift you never dreamed of. That happened to me, not an hour ago in fact, although it was longer in the making than that by far.
For a long time now I have been trying to recover from the innumerable things that have transpired in my heretofore abysmal life. Well that's not completely true. Within my lifetime I cannot say nothing good ever happened. It just wasn't all that often. In any case, it seems that lately, at least for the past year or so, I've really come a long way towards being a woman whole again. Or perhaps I am becoming a woman whole for the very first time. In either case, I've grown; I've changed; I've evolved. There was a time when I would never have asked for something I wanted. In the first place I would never dream I deserved anything I wanted. In the second place, I would presume, however rightly or wrongly, that I wouldn't get it. That in and of itself was often a deterrent in even thinking of my own needs in the first place.
There are many reasons why I am no longer the person I once was. And there are many facets of who I used to be that I am glad to be rid of. There is the victim. I carried her around with me for a very long time. I tried to nurture her myself, usually to no avail. I sometimes wallowed with her in a pool of hot tears that seemed never ending. There were even times I kicked her and reassured her she was right where she was supposed to be...down, out, and defeated. Thankfully those times were few and far between, because mostly I have been a survivor most of all. I still wake up to this day with the renewed faith that things can and will get better. It has become my mantra even when I might ought to have given it up long, long ago. I am glad, however, that I did not lose that faith, because despite however long it took, I have found it to be true.
The death of my mother was the catalyst for change that had been a long time coming. The loss of the man I loved most in this world sparked the beginning, though I failed to see it at the time. In life we are rarely given second chances, let alone third, fourth, fifth, and so on. But somehow I got a second chance at becoming the person I always hid inside. I was given another shot at being somebody worth knowing. I was allowed a redo, if you will. Now I am stronger than I ever was before. I actually like myself. That's a new one on me. I am confident... not always perhaps, but most of the time at least. The girl I've hidden away for so long is finally getting her chance to shine. While the layers of protection that have always surrounded her are a bit cumbersome to remove, they are slowly being peeled away. In fact, for the first time in my entire life, I can see the end in sight. It will be this year that I emerge from my chrysalis and become the butterfly I never knew I was.
But.. I digress (which by the way is not anything unusual no matter the mindset of the writer herself). As I began to reveal in the beginning of this montage of sometimes ephemeral thoughts, there are times when you do things that are very much outside of your own comfort zone. I asked for something I really, truly wanted. I kept asking, in fact, for quite a while. I might even go so far as to say I was on the verge of begging for that elusive thing that I desired more than anything else at that moment. Perhaps, even, I went well beyond the verge and quite fully entrenched myself in full begging mode. But that is neither here nor there at the moment.
The point is, I went for it, fully and without remorse. In the process, I now realize I might have made someone else somewhat uncomfortable. In fact I'm pretty sure that I did. I tried to convince this person that the thing I wished for was not something to be denied. It was not because I felt I was the be all and end all, that whatever I wished for I should simply be given. It was more that I believed with all of my heart that what I said was true. That, by the way, still stands. I -do- believe what I said. I still stand by my convictions. I have no doubt whatsoever that, given that ever elusive thing, life would not have altered in any way that could be construed as negative. In fact, I'm still quite sure that it would only be a positive thing. But, that doesn't really matter either.
The fact is, I didn't get what I wanted. I was turned down...numerous times, much to my chagrin. But surprisingly enough, I do not feel the least bit petulant. I am not even all that disappointed. It's not because I really did not wish what I asked for. I did, and still do. It is more that I received something so much...more...that I cannot possibly be upset, disappointed, or angry in the least that I did not get what I wanted. I will say that I was given a boon of sorts. I was not left completely empty handed. And that small token (however it was not so small to me), will be revered, and enjoyed for a long time to come.
I find it difficult to ask for things I want for the reasons I have stated previously in this very post. But I also have a hard time because the very nature of the request leaves butterflies in my stomach and a nervousness throughout my entire being. I do not make it a habit of asking such things of anyone, let alone someone as important as the prospective giver, if you will. But, ask I did, and turned down I was. The thing is, I'm sort of glad, in an odd, twilight zone-ish kind of way. I learned something about myself, and about that person as well. I still very much want what I begged for. I still believe it would only be a positive thing. But I would not trade it for what I got instead for anything in the world.
I got respect. I got an affirmation of being cared for on a very deep and personal level. I got the knowledge that my very much beat up and broken heart is in the right hands...a pair of very strong hands that won't let it drop and break further. I got to see the exquisite beauty of self control(not my own, mind you). I had the extreme pleasure of experiencing what it felt like to be valued...treasured even. In truth the things I received in place of what I asked for are all things I've never known before. How can I be disappointed in that? Well, I'm not, so it's a pointless question. In retrospect I am very glad that I also got the knowledge that I am a very grown up girl. That might sound silly given my age, but given my circumstance, it's not so far fetched for that to be a questionable thing. The old me would have done any number of things that never even entered my mind as the new me. I might have been devastated not to receive what I was certain was the best possible thing I could ever get. (I still believe it's up there with what I did get, to be sure!) I might have been petulant, moody, disappointed, angry, and any number of other negative things. But.. I wasn't. In fact I'm deliriously happy at the moment.
Above everything else, I have a gift of friendship that is truly unequaled. It's one that I have never had any doubts would last for a lifetime. I swear I must be the luckiest girl on earth right now. I can't even stop smiling! And my battered heart is full of so much love that it's overflowing. I don't even mind the spillage, because there is more than enough to keep it quite full.
I still want what I asked for (as you can well read for yourselves by now), and maybe someday I'll get it. That will be a good day too, because it will mean that my promise is good enough to stand on its own without any tangible proof. But until that time comes, if it does, I'll remember this day always for the most amazing gifts I have been given.
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